Thursday, January 12, 2012

I Miss My Muchness

Time flies. I've heard that a million times but never understood what it really meant until I had kids. And boy-oh-boy....time really DOES fly. I've found myself weepy sometimes at how quickly things are changing. We've had lots of changes since our home burned in May. Our world was turned upside down. Waiting for the new house to be finished was a terrible time of "temporaryness". But it was also a lesson to me on God's grace and the resilience of my kids. When the new house was finished, Ben and I decided that I would quit my job and stay home to concentrate on recreating a sense of normalcy for the kids. But I also feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself. Being strong through the fire gave me a glimpse of toughness that I forgot I had. It gave me a glimpse of the faith that I used to have. I have always been a "what's next" kind of girl. Always restless. Always discontent. Never fully comfortable in my own skin. Do you remember in the new Alice in Wonderland movie where Johnny Depp tells Alice that she's lost her "muchness"? "You used to be much more muchier," he tells her. I did, too. I used to be MUCH more MUCHIER. Well, it is time to get my muchness back. And I think that starts with exercise. UGH!....seriously? Unfortunately, yes.  It's time. God is calling me to be so much more muchier. He's calling me to WAKE UP from this stall. That's what it feels like...a stall. A slump. I've felt defeated for a long time. Definitely not in my marriage, but with myself. I've felt weak. My friend Monica and I decided to start going to the gym. We decided to be accountable for each other. I went for the first time 2 weeks ago and guess what.........I DIDN'T DIE. It did not kill me. (it almost did.....we did a spin class) It kicked my big butt but I was so proud of myself. I actually did it. I did NOT die like I thought I would. WHO KNEW?? (my husband says HE knew I could do it) So I've been every day this week. Every time I have wanted to cry right there in the middle of the class. Every. Single. Time. Not because it was too hard. But because I was so damn mad at myself for not doing this earlier. So damn mad at myself for buying the lie I've been telling myself......that I CAN'T do it. So damn mad at myself for letting this extra weight define WHO I am. If going to the gym is going to make me stronger...the thing I'm going to fight for FIRST is my muchness.

1 comment:

  1. We are totally on our way to being much muchier! I love working out with you and yes, WE DID NOT DIE!!!! We just felt like we were going to. For as much as I support do the same for me. I love doing life with you as my friend. BTW....we are going to firecracker hott pretty soon so watch out!!!! hahahaha